Sad Adventures over A Semester

So my sad story. I changed the names to make it as confusing as possible. 

I felt myself, during the later half of HS2, being drawn to Jack and his fantastic super awesomeness. I was angry and rather disppointed in myself, because I had wanted to not focus on liking boys for a long while, after breaking it off with Harvey at the beginning of summer. But I felt something about Jack, that made me think he was interested back. He always smiled at me, and then every activity I signed up for his name was under mine.

So finally, on Thursday night, I got to talk to my really great friend Julia about it and about how conflicted I felt and torn. Pretty much she encouraged me to pray about the situation and present it to the Lord.

So I got up super early Friday and prayed and journaled for at least two hours about what to do. I’m a planner, you see, I like to be in control of situations. But I had to realize that I was just going to have to trust Jesus. So I came to the conclusion that if God wanted me and Jack to “get to know eachother” He would present us with an opportunity to talk tonight, because we havent gotten to yet.

So pretty much, He did give us an opportunity to talk Friday night, and then when I got home Jack had sent me a message pretty much signalling that he would like to pursue a friendship.

And so pretty much we texted back and forth multiple times each day up until this past Thursday. The only day we didn’t talk was when he was at Guys Retreat. And we would call each other two or three times a week, and send letters and messages. And I got to go to his cross country meet and watch him run, and then spend the weekend with him and Julia and her boyfriend Randy. And then he came down for a weekend in early december, and it was the first time that we got to spend time alone together and work on a friendship outside of anyone else and technology. And it was wonderful! We stayed up until 4 in the morning Saturday night talking about everything, and we played “ultimate” monopoly at Hastings Coffeeshop for hours, which is where you can steal from the other person. And we baked together, and watched Nacho Libre and the Office, and drew a picture together and wrote a story together.
 

Pretty much it was the best thing ever. And then I don’t really know what happened, except that I’m not emoitionally mature enough to have a non-tempramental relationship. I don’t have the commitment yet, because I don’t think I am fully comitted to Christ yet. Because my life has been such a blessing, and I don’t have a lot of things I need to be dependent on people for.

And so suddenly, the feeling of joy over liking Jack wasn’t really there anymore, I think I got bored with the idea because I don’t have commitment yet. And we had talked about dating, but I think we were both on the same page to wait. And so after Christmas, after I had met his entire extended family on his mothers side, I began to pray and ask Jesus if I should end it, and communicate with him that I just want to be friends and nothing more.

So I guess since I had just thought of him as a friend for the past three weeks, I didn’t really expect anything to change between us much. I though that I would tell him I thought of him as a friend, and he would be like, “Oh, yeah that’s totally fine! I think of you as a friend as well!” and so I knew I had to tell him at the retreat. But I didn’t know how and I was scared, and so my BRILLANT solution was to ignore him until Sunday when he came to me and asked for us to talk. And then I told him and played it off as if it werent a big deal, because I didn’t think it was going to be. And so then later that night he asked to talk with me again, and told me that he didn’t understand.

I was so rotten! So rotten. He told me that he didn’t sleep at all Saturday night because he was so worried about what was wrong between us, and he couldn’t focus on anything. And he felt so hurt that I wouldn’t talk to him when I started feeling so tempramental so we could work it out together. Which completely made sense. I’m so dumb.

And I don’t know, we just had a really great deep open conversation Sunday night about the things we want to trust Jesus in, and he asked me what my plans where for reaching for commitment, which was really great, because I didn’t even think much about it, but now I have a plan. And just the whole time we talked, I just realized how completely unfair this all was to him, and how much I had hurt him, and yet he wasn’t angry, he wasn’t being selfish, he wasn’t being proud and felt like he was undeserving. He was just confused. And it just struck me how completely good of a person he was. Not a good boy, but simply such a sincerely good person who cares much more for everybody else than himself, and wants to make others happy above himself. And how much he loves Jesus, and how patient and humble he is.

And what really sucks is that I didn’t even know how much I cared for him underneath my “bored” attitude, and how empty it is now, because we were a part of each others lives, a good chunk. I think this is a good oppertnity for me to fill that hole with Jesus and my friendships with girls. But golly, it’s only been a day, and I’m such a mess. I can’t stop crying, which is really strange for me, because I’ve never felt like I was dependent on anyone.

He said that he really wanted us to be friends again, and brother and sister still, but that he needed time to process it. But he promised that when he was ready, he would message me and we could be friends again. But it’s never going to be the same, ever.

And we got to talk about the future too, and he asked if I thought there could be something for us together in the future. I told him I didn’t know, and it wouldn’t be for a long time, because I want to be ready and commited to Jesus completely first. But I tried not to give him hope, because it’s unfair for him to have to wait and too much pressre on both of us. But now I really think that when I get the go ahead from above, I would jump on that chance in a single heart beat. I would now, except that I know this is what He wants me to do, to be commited to my Savior above all else. So that sucks too, knowing that it wouldn’t be for a really long time, and maybe the chance will never ever come back.

But we got to also talk about liking other people, and I told him that I am going to stick to my word and not like anyone else until I’m ready to date. And the iJulia of liking someone else is ridiculous, nobody else can match Jack ever. And he told me the same, which was really really nice to hear, because we don’t have to be jealous or worried about that, and just heal with Jesus.

Maybe this is too personal to place on the internet, but this a blog to understand my feelings better and release my pent up emotions. My encouragement for you, and also for future Josie, is that when you begin a friendship with a boy, and he pursues you out for a friendship, the probable reason is because he wants to date you eventually. And my suggestion is that when you are presented with that situation of a friendship, and you will know the difference, be already ready to date thtat person or stop the friendship from happening. Because eventually you will be placed in a situation where you can either date that person or lose the friendship. And losing that hurts a BUCKET. 

Be ready. 

Life is an adventure, whether good or bad.